My Greatest Fear Became My Greatest Blessing!

Most of us, when hearing the word “fear” think of certain types of phobias like claustrophobia or arachnophobia. My personal fear has always been acrophobia (fear of heights) and aerophobia (fear of flying) which I’m slowly overcoming. The type of fear I’ll be writing about today however, I don’t believe is considered as an actual phobia. My fear is more of a “fearallacy” (a made-up word of the day borrowed from a follower, thanks ShiraDest ) meaning: A fear based on false, incorrect or mistaken reasoning. During my childhood, hearing stories in the news about babies being kidnapped, dying fron SIDS, not to mention my own personal experiences of abuse in general, I told myself I would never become a mother and until my teenage years the very thought of being a parent had been my greatest fear.

I destinctly remember a time in my life when that fear turned into panic. After my mother discovered my stepfather had been sneaking into my bedroom, the series of events that shortly followed may have been more traumatizing for me than the actual abuse. Arriving at the police station, the officer had a naked doll and proceeded to ask me to point to the areas where I’d been touched. Then asking what body parts of my stepfather was I touched with. He didn’t use proper names for male or female genitals or any of the other body parts which I found to be odd. Years later I viewed a case on the news where a sex offender was aquitted mainly due to the witnesses not using the correct terms regarding genitals while testifying (one of the main reasons I taught my children it’s ok to to use the words “penis/vagina” in proper scenarious). Not long after my visit to the police station that day, I visited some sort of counseling group. The person talking told us (and I’ll never forget her exact words) “it’s more than likely that children who are abused sexually, will grow up to be abusers as well”. I knew that didn’t sound right but after all, she was the professional and I was a child. The fear stayed with me throughout my childhood that some how I was tainted and couldn’t avoid becoming a monster.

I realize that as an adult, this all sounds rediculous, but as a child with no one to talk to or confide in, the mind has a way of developing the most bizarre thoughts, hence “fearallacy”. When I had my first child, I was afraid to hold her because I didn’t know how to. She was tiny and fragile. It was because of my experience and what the lady said the one time I went to counseling that caused me to stay clear of children. I had never held a baby before and the doctors couldn’t understand why I was shaking when they placed her in my arms for the first time. Obviously as I grew older, I learned that lady was what I called a “quack counselor” and didn’t know what the hell she was talking about. My apologies to those who may be offended by this staement, but to remain truthful, I have to say that I will kill someone if I became aware they were hurting children in any fashion.

The point is that my issue with fear is that I basically let it run my life for many years, especially when it came to being a mother. I kept my children close and made all my decisions based on fears while thinking I was protecting them. One example with my daughter is a spin from my post Who You calling A BITCH. The reason my consignment shop mentioned in that piece didn’t prosper was due to fear. My daughter had just begun kindergarden and I picked an office space near her school, but that wasn’t comforting enough for me. I was fearfull she’d be kidnaped , bullied, mistreated by teachers or staff, so I actually began working at the school. First in her class as a teacher’s aide, then yard duty and eventually teaching a science outreach class for K-3. Another incident envolving my son while living in Arkansas temporarily, talking with his teacher one day regarding his progress she mentioned “cps” and I snapped. I was escorted off school grounds, couldn’t watch my son perform in the play that day and by the time I’d made it back to town, the news of what I’d done had spread across three counties. My fear was that no one was taking my children from me EVER! The problem is, after playing it back and speaking with the principle, she didn’t say “CPS” as in child protective services. Those letters were merely an acronym for something regarding a program the school offered. I embaressed my son that day and will never forget how damaging fear can be. I learned to stop letting fear control me and my decisions. Relatives, friends and co-workers, people who’ve been around me don’t actually know me. They have no clue as to the reasoning for my behavoir and strange ways. The reason I’m paranoid, so organized, determined to keep a cleen house and have only utalized a babysitter once or twice and the list goes on all from making decisions based on fears mostly regarding a possabilty of losing my children and keeping them safe. I’ve never shared this with anyone other than my children and that was in hopes of them understanding my madness so-to-speak. I can’t believe how in this very moment it feels like a weight has been lifted and I’m floating along with no worries at all.

I couldn’t afford to make any mistakes that would cause harm to my children or give reason for someone to try taking them away from me. There was/is not one person I can think of that will love and protect them like their mom which is also why I knew that no matter what I faced in this world I had to survive. I would cry many nights at the thought of if I died, I could never think of one single person that I knew capable of raising them providing everything they needed as a whole. Once they became teens, witnessing the dynamics of their friend’s and seeing for themselves what the world is like, they thanked me for not only keeping them safe but also for keeping an open line of communication with them both ways, eventually making decisions as a family and accepting their input and ideas on new perspectives. The fact that they appreciate what they now recognize I was attempting to accomplish; although on ocassion meant disappointment for them, yet the end result being that their love, compassion and understanding turned my greatest fear of becoming a mother, into my greatest blessing!

Published by 5thgenerationgirl

Tammy Wynette is a mother of three and a β€œG-MA” (grandma). Born in Warren, Arkansas, she currently resides in Sacramento, CA and is pursuing an AA degree in English at American River College, with plans to transfer to California State University, Sacramento (Sac State). She is an active leader and role model in her community, she works with teens sharing and teaching poetry, as well as providing insight for young parents to prosper. She has certificate from NAMI (The National Alliance on Mental Illness) and is a trailblazer & Griot, keeper of stories/traditions passed down from her ancestors. As an Author and motivational speaker it’d be an honor to present at your events to inspire, encourage & let our VOICES be heard! She has short stories and poems published in Our Black Mothers Brave, Bold and Beautiful!

64 thoughts on “My Greatest Fear Became My Greatest Blessing!

  1. Great post! And I would call these valid and genuine fears, based on your experiences. I tried LSD when I was a teen, then I heard that it could cause birth defects. Years later, when I got pregnant, I was terrified that my experimentation would harm my baby. Everything was normal, and I was grateful, but that was a real fear based on what I had done and what I had heard. The anxiety I felt was certainly real!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I really appreciate you sharing that with me. I never thought of other scenarios, I guess I too caught up in feeling alone and no one would understand, but I see now that you actually get it. I’m happy everything worked out well for you my dear, blessings!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This right here is going to help save a lot of people. I personally know what it’s like to be crippled by fear. Only difference is that my fear was a result of pure darkness. I’m proud of you for moving forward and overcoming it. Even more so sharing your story to help others stay Blessed.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I’m so sorry you went through that as a child…the step father, the police, the horrible counselor. I can understand you moving into all those fears and over-protection and compensation. There is so much false info instilled in pretty much every system on the planet, not just from parents, and it sadly informs us and controls us way too much. I’m so glad you’ve been able to over-come this and your children are wise enough to see all you did for them. It takes courage and fortitude to work through the stuff you had to work through and to arrive where you have arrived.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I still struggle, but i refuse to let it defeat or define me. Whenever you comment, it sounds as though you really understand and I truly appreciate your words. I feel my only choice was to survive especially once I had children. Had I not had them, I hate to think where/how I may have ended up.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. As I’ve mentioned…my childhood had many dark elements. Then, in my 40 year holistic/spiritual therapy practice I worked with victims of abuse, rape, sexual assault, trauma, etc. My practice consisted of doing everything from providing relaxation massages in spas, chiropractic offices and private practice to this very deep issue work using NLP, hypnotherapy, spiritual/energy level work and other mind/body work.

        I’ve got behaviors from my childhood and adulthood that I can be ashamed of on bad days but I keep reminding myself of what a spiritual teacher said one time. It was something like – if we could of done better, we would have done better….so it is important to own it, forgive it, learn and move forward.

        Liked by 2 people

  4. This is so extremely important and so properly explained to reach out to others who are or have had to deal with these horrible traumas! This is the sad consequence of sin being unleashed upon humans since the fall in the Garden!

    Now some of this world’s people continually deal with this suffering and getting on the road to recovery they have to fight to stay upon; to make it to the relief they deserve!

    You suffered with that real fear but you showed that with faith and determination to do the right thing this all can serve to inspire good thinking and caution moving forward and as in your experience eventually work for the betterment of others as you did with your own children and then others that you enlighten now!
    Good work and thank you.

    God bless you and yours!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Wow, I thank you for such encouraging words my friend. I had to make I voice & I choose to not let my circumstances define who I am. I want better for myself and everyone which is why I share. I learned about faith through my children.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Excellent and yes I heard clearly how your own children helped you in the end as much as you had been making sure you protected them all along from any harm! And that was beautiful how you all ultimately helped each other and grew so much stronger in your love for one another; how could you all not appreciate each other so very much! Brings a tear to the eye to see such encouraging things happen; and we do know with God all things are possible! This example is proof positive!

        Mark 10:27 – And Jesus looking upon them said, with men it is impossible, but not with God: for with God all things are possible.

        Amen.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Yes, one of my many favorite scriptures! Not sure if you’ve seen last week’s post ” Blind Beautiful Faith of a Child”, I mention the time my daughter taught me to pray when she was 4 yrs old. I have to hold back my tears when reading this for an audience .

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you for sharing. It takes a certain type of bravery to share such a story. And another type of bravery to overcome such awful experiences. You are a brave, brave woman. The fact that you believe in open communication with your children is so wonderful. So many parents hide things. The love and respect you get from your kids because of your openness is well deserved.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. What a beautiful segue into such a touching story as always Tammy. πŸ€— You are so right about facing our fears and garnering the courage to turn those phobias into blessings. I think we all have been in this situation more times than we care to admit. But girlfriend, once you find that you can take fear by it’s throat and throw it over the edge of a cliff like Godzilla, well honey, talk about victory. πŸ‹πŸ½β€β™€οΈ We fall down, but we get up!!! (Channeling my inner Donnie McClurkin) πŸ™πŸΌ

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Thank you for sharing this with us! Being a parent is one of the hardest and biggest blessings. As parents we fear failing our kids and as a result we put so much pressure on ourselves. I too have battled many teachers because I know what it’s like to enter a battle alone.
    Good job with raising your babies and yes no one can give them what we can!

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Oh my goodness, Tammy. That story with your son sounded absolutely gut wrenching. I can’t even imagine the weight of that trigger and the awful feeling you felt afterwards when you realized what the acronym CPS really meant.

    I’m glad that you were able to get over that fear and hurdle and emerge from it with wisdom and perspective.

    Fear truly is a crippling feeling but when we are able to overcome it – sometimes the hard way and through a painful lesson – we free and liberate ourselves.

    Good for you for sharing this story!

    Liked by 2 people

  9. I’m so sad and very sorry these horrible things happened to you as a little girl. It’s beyond my comprehension how grown ups can be so nasty and so disrespectful to children. Shame on them.
    So sorry. (A hug)
    Glad you had a tender heart to begin with β€” and glad how your own children nourished it. I bless you.
    Thanks for sharing. Be well my dear one. You are in good company now.
    Glad I read. Thanks. xo

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Wow, I like how fear can turn into something of actual value. Your experience at the police station as a child- way too traumatising! I’m sure your children have turned out to be wonderful humans due to your careful parenting techniques, like one of the earlier comments pointed out. Wonderful post!

    Liked by 1 person

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