My dearest daughter, in 30 years not a day has gone by without you on my mind. Some days are consumed with thoughts of regret, constantly questioning whether or not I made the right decision. Every day I pray that you are well and will eventually come to forgive me. My hope is that through your forgiveness, it will relinquish at the very least some of the pain I caused you if not all when we last saw each other. I’d like you to know that being a mother has always been my most cherished position in life and although I didn’t raise you, you have always been and will always be very much a huge part of me. My heart is filled with just as much love for you as it is for your sister and brother. I love you and will continue to reach out to you regardless of how long it takes. Know that I will not give up on you!
As you may already be aware, I recently communicated with your husband after he contacted me via messenger. To my surprise, especially after all the wonderfully conversations him and I had in the past, this time he was extremely vile. I wasn’t bothered much by his comments because I understood that he was simply trying to support you as he explained you both are in the process of rebuilding your lives after what your adoptive mother did to you. His frustrations may have been justified but certainly not his attempt at verbally abusing me. I will not tolerate disrespect as you are well aware of considering that is partially the reason we’re here now. When he and I used to talk, in a sense for me it was a way of feeling closer to you. I’d always hope that eventually you would hop on the other end of the phone. Apparently, you simply weren’t ready, and I completely understand.
The thing is, it finally occurred to me that it may not have been the best idea in communicating with your husband. What he shared about your feelings and emotions can’t candidly or accurately be expressed through someone else. It would be as if someone writing this for me and only think they know what’s in my heart. The conversation that needs to be had should be between you and me. Even as I write this, I’m having trouble finding the right words with wanting you to know that I AM SORRY! I apologize for everything from the beginning with my decision to let you go as well as our encounter when you came to visit years ago. Once I finally gained the courage to share that I have another daughter, people always asked “why did I put you up for adoption”. Although my reasons and fears were valid during that traumatic time, in my heart and mind; now playing it back, no answer ever seems to be the right one or a justifiable reason for such a major decision. Therefore, I find myself stuck in this constant tug-of-war with my emotions and can only imagine what you must be experiencing. I can’t change the past, but while I’m still here on this earth, I’d love the opportunity to be of support to you, perhaps even one day still be a mother. I’d appreciate the chance to do whatever I can to make things right between us and show you that I love you unconditionally. Whenever you are ready, however long it takes, always know that I will be waiting with open arms.